#10: Knowing and Owning Your Reality (Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

May 16, 2018

Today and for the next four episodes, I’m going to take a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. The first step, which is what I’ll be covering in this episode, is knowing and owning your reality. When you're working on any issue, you've got to start with knowing exactly what your reality is—what is true for you—and Step 1 will help you do just that.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #10:

• There are three parts to knowing your reality: identifying the data (or what happened), identifying what you think about the data, and identifying the emotions have as a result of what happened. When you own your reality, you fully face it, and you don't try to change or deny it.
• You may be challenged around knowing and owning your reality because you grew up in a family where there was deception or secrets. Or you may have been told  that you didn't really think or feel something that you in fact did, or your were excessively criticized about your choices or preferences.
• Many of us have the habit of experiencing something, making up a story about what happened, and then proceeding and acting on what we believe to be the Truth, with a capital "T".
• Most of us make up stories about what other people do or say that reflect more about our own thoughts and emotions than the person involved. The skill of "least pathological explanation" is helpful to know.

Highlights from Episode #10:

• The step we’re going to cover today is knowing and owning your reality. [01:28]
• You might think that you already know your reality; however, most people struggle with at least one part of the process of identifying their own reality. [05:10]
• Vicki explains why most of us don’t know how to identify our reality, and what can happen when you believe your perceptions, or what you "make up." [10:38]
• Using a concrete example of a friend being half an hour late for dinner, Vicki walks listeners through this first step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [13:09]
• Our thoughts, or what we make up about events are typically more about us than the other person. [17:35]
• The third part of Step 1 is identifying your emotions, which is almost always related to your thoughts. [20:58]
• Vicki invites listeners to take a few moments throughout the day to practice identifying and owning their reality. [23:20]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Pia Mellody