#13: Why Are You Putting Up Walls? Women, Boundaries, and Connection

Jun 6, 2018

The first episode of every month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. Most women experience apprehension, fear, pushback, resistance, or even hostility when they attempt to establish or improve their boundaries. In this episode, I set the record straight about why it is absolutely not true that you are "putting up walls" when setting personal and relationship boundaries.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #13:

• Every time you set a boundary by saying “no,” you're saying “yes” to something else. Boundaries—and decisions of every kind—always involve this yes/no dynamic, or a limit/freedom dynamic.
• If everyone said “yes” when they meant “yes,” and said “no” when they meant “no,” you would know:
  • what you (and other people) do and don’t want to spend time on.
  • exactly where you stand with other people.
  • what your intimate partner likes and wants, and what he/she doesn’t like or want.
• As surprising as it may sound, clear boundaries create deeper intimacy rather than putting up walls or creating more distance between two people.
• When you truly love another person, you don't want him/her to do something outside their value system, something they don’t enjoy, or something that makes them deeply uncomfortable.

Highlights from Episode #13:

• Vicki reviews a key concept about the way boundaries work, and offers an example of how boundaries simultaneously create limits and space. [01:40]
• We hear some real-life examples that illustrate the ways women get pressure from their intimate partners and spouses when they attempt boundary work, and a utopian—yet helpful—vision of what the world would look like if people said “yes” and “no” based on what they really want. [05:13]
• What do boundaries have to do with connection? [10:01]
• Vicki shares examples of how women can get pushback or have hesitation or fear around their own boundary work. [16:51]
• Another example involves wondering whether you’re on the wrong track because the person you’re trying to establish a boundary with is unhappy or angry with you. [23:35]
• Vicki explores other examples of what can come up when a person is learning about boundary work or improving their boundaries. [26:15]
• Vicki recaps what she has covered in this episode. [33:47]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, by Greg McKeown
• Blue Note